This is difficult for me to admit, at least to people that I know, but not know well enough: I am plagued by insecurities.
When I am with my Love, these do not play much of a factor. As a knight in not-so-shining armor, my Love helps to battle away these insecurities, to prove to me that I am worthy of his love, and the love of my friends. When I am with him, they do not come to the surface anymore - they lurk in the depths of my subconscious, patiently waiting for their turn to strike.
But he is not here, at least physically. Without his physical presence, I am left completely alone with my thoughts, and with them, my lurking insecurities and anxieties. I welcome silence; I welcome being alone. Many times that I am with him, we are together-and-not-together: within our own thoughts but with each other. With him, my insecurities know not to surface. Without him, they surface slowly, invading my mind until it is too late to realize that they are there. They are ever-so-patient, inundating my thoughts without my being aware of them.
And then, after a time, I have an insecurity attack, an attack that seemingly comes out of nowhere, yet has been stewing within my mind and the pit of my stomach for weeks. I have been upset, and it comes down to friendships and partnerships lost over time. Was I not worth it to them? All that time and energy and empathy and friendship invested with them - it seems like I gave so much, and didn’t get as much in return. For some, they ended over stupid things, imagined and not imagined, and for others, it ended for unknown. Was I not worth holding on to? Was I not worth keeping?
My Love comes to the rescue, slashing down a few of those insecurities, reminding me that I am worthy. And that those who do not see or value my worth - my past regrets, the bitter and unsure endings or lulls in friendships, the time invested into projects that had ugly endings - weren’t meant to have me. They didn’t see all of me, he says. They didn’t see my weaknesses and my strengths, they didn’t see the love and time that I poured into those relationships and into those projects. If they didn’t see those, they did not know me, and thus do not realize all that they are missing.
It is difficult to overcome insecurities borne out of elementary and middle school. It is difficult to shake off years of bullying and the ingraining inside my mind that I am just not enough.
But I have been overcoming it. I had four wonderful years of high school, in which I befriended real people who saw the real me. Throughout college, particularly these last 3 years with my Love, I have been growing more into the person that I am, the old soul that I have been. I have been sloughing off many of my old insecurities, and I have made so much progress into becoming a confident, happy me.
But it is nice to know, so wonderful to know, that when the remaining insecurities do surface, that my Love is here to help me. He gives me the axe to cut down the insecurities myself, and fights those that are outside-of-me, that require the love and support of another person to battle away. The axe is heavy and hard to wield, but I keep on swinging. One insecurity down, and not so many left to go.
We are vanquishing them, together.